


the doctor put her hand over my liver (and she told me my resentment's getting smaller)

by fvckradio



Category: NCT (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up Talk, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Implied Relationships, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Sad Jeon Jungkook, Sad Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, friends to lovers to strangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25406125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvckradio/pseuds/fvckradio
Summary: The stage is where Jungkook always felt most alive. This used to comfort him, make him feel good to have all these people watching him play, hearing his songs. But that was then and this is now.And now, he feels sick.Or, they used to be friends, and then they were on the cusp of something more. Now that is all burned to the ground and they are standing in the ashes as strangers.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook & Kim Mingyu, Jeon Jungkook/Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	the doctor put her hand over my liver (and she told me my resentment's getting smaller)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote almost all of the dialogue in this on a bunch of post-it notes while I was at work. Then, I went home and wrote the whole thing, hated it for a couple of days, read it again and now I'm posting it.  
> It's sadder than I originally wanted but also I think that that is okay.  
> Thank you to Tyler once again for reading this and helping me fix it.  
> The title is from Garden Song by Phoebe Bridgers aka the song I listened to on repeat while I wrote this.
> 
> This is the playlist that I used.  
> [Geyser](https://youtu.be/3zdFZJf-B90)  
> [Motion Sickness](https://youtu.be/9sfYpolGCu8)  
> [Road Head](https://youtu.be/cCmLjb-ocPY)  
> [Garden Song](https://youtu.be/1u8rIx65QgA)  
> [Landslide](https://youtu.be/WM7-PYtXtJM)  
> [Holocene](https://youtu.be/8T0cHQb39GY)  
> [I Am Easy To Find](https://youtu.be/m_0CiipU2VE)

The stage is where Jungkook always felt most alive. He’d been playing in a band since middle school, he was used to this kind of attention. From his spot center stage, he could see everything; the crowd of girls pressed against the barricade, the merch stand for whoever was headlining, the bar in the back corner. This used to comfort him, make him feel good to have all these people watching him play, hearing his songs. But that was then and this is now. 

And now, he feels sick. 

He froze when he saw them in the back. Seated at the bar was a group of people Jungkook had never expected to see again once he stopped playing punk songs in the big clubs. He was supposed to be safe playing indie gigs, but there he was five songs into a set he wrote that he never meant for them to hear. As he strummed the last cords of the song they were playing he turned around, looking for someone, anyone, to drag him back down to earth. Namjoon caught him, he always did, and as he ran to swap his guitar out, he reached out a hand, secure and grounding on his shoulder, a reminder that he was okay. Jungkook shakes his head, trying to snap himself out of it. Through the entire next song, he is looking out across the crowd for even a glimpse of the person he wants to see the least. He doesn’t look behind him; he wouldn’t know how to stop if he caught sight of him in the wings. He keeps his eyes on the crowd, and sometimes the bar, looking a little too intently at the group he is afraid to recognize. They’re halfway through the song when he makes eye-contact with Mingyu. He sees the other’s eyes widen when he realizes that he sees him and Jungkook knows that he doesn’t have a choice in talking to him anymore. Mingyu will be sitting there after the show, and Jungkook will have to talk to him. 

The rest of the set passes in a blur. A cover and one more original, this one a little older, so Namjoon takes the lead for both of them. It’s strange knowing his old friends are watching him in the crowd again and Jungkook hesitates to think about what that means for him, for all of them. He’s still a little dazed as he plays the final notes of their set, as he bows and listens to Namjoon introduce them again. As he helps pack up his bass and their amps and the rest of their gear, his head spins. A part of him hopes that Namjoon or someone else will force him to pack up their stuff for them and bring it out to his beat-up, old truck, but he knows that they all saw Mingyu too, and they want him to sort his shit out more than anyone else. He lingers as long as he can before his bandmates are pushing him off with the promise of packing everything into the other truck and that he can keep his car for the night. Namjoon pulls him into a quick hug as if to say “if you need it I’ll be here” before he too is forcing Jungkook out of the wings and into the crowded venue floor. The daze hangs over him as he fumbles his way to his own doom. 

For the first time in three months, Jungkook is standing in front of Mingyu Kim. He looks the same, but three months isn’t that much time to change, Jungkook supposes. But people can change right under your nose, he thinks, and quickly. He’s with people Jungkook knows, people he used to be friends with, but when he approaches, they step to the side. He gives them a quick wave, bows his head lightly out of respect or as a greeting, it doesn’t matter too much. They nod back but leave him alone. This is between Jungkook and Mingyu. For not the first time in three months, Jungkook doesn’t know what to say to a person he’s known for seemingly his whole life. Lucky for him, he doesn’t have to. 

“Same bass,” Mingyu says simply, putting his beer down on the bar and smiling at him. “Good to see you again, Jungkook. It’s been too long.” 

“I didn’t think you’d come to something like this,” is the only thing he can think to say. It’s true. He plays places like these because people like Mingyu don’t come to them. 

Mingyu laughed. “I heard you were playing here, and I couldn’t really say no. Ten told me about his new friend’s band and when I saw it was you, well you know.” 

Ten, of course. A new friend. He wouldn’t have known. But still, Jungkook couldn’t control the grimace that took over his face. Mingyu must have noticed it too because he kept going. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t do more to keep in touch, but three unread texts, and I saw you’d unfollowed me everywhere. I just assumed you’d wanted some space.” Mingyu ran a hand through his hair. “It just sucked to not know why you didn’t want to talk to me anymore. We were best friends, dude.” 

“Mingyu,” Jungkook hesitates. The words were tight in his throat. “You were always more his friend than mine. I’d never make you do something like that.” 

“So you made the choice for me? Kook, I still want to be your friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids. My mom asks me how you’re doing,” he sighs. “I feel shitty saying I don’t know. I want to know, dude, you were _both_ my best friends.” 

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. He doesn’t feel like he deserves Mingyu. He isn’t sure if he wants him. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, really. A lot better now that I know you’re not dead in a ditch, just writing the saddest fucking break up songs,” Mingyu replies, putting a hand on his shoulder. It’s comforting. He’d forgotten how good Mingyu was. He knows what is coming though, and he bites the bullet. 

“Where is he?” he asks. “He came, right? You’d never come to something like this with Johnny Suh of all people and not bring him.” 

Mingyu takes a deep breath and sighs. He lets his hand fall off Jungkook’s shoulder and take a moment to sip his drink. Jungkook makes eye contact with Johnny over his shoulder. He gives him a pathetic smile. Somehow, Johnny brightens, smiles back, and sits up. Johnny had always been like that; too eager to please, too eager to engage. He jostles the boy standing right next to him which thankfully pulls his attention away from Jungkook. 

“He’s outside,” Mingyu says carefully. “He said he needed some air, uh, after the fifth song you played.” 

Jungkook thinks it's time to put on his big-boy pants. “He wants to talk, right? That’s why he came? He wasn’t expecting to get read to shit but he was expecting to talk, right?” 

Mingyu doesn’t respond, just picks his beer back up and averts his eyes. His silence is telling enough but it reveals what he’d been hiding; he’d come here to make sure no one got hurt and he’d failed. Jungkook was right. He was always more his friend. 

“He wasn’t supposed to ever hear them,” Jungkook says. The bitterness he’d been feeling had dissolved and he didn’t sound angry like he expected, just resigned. “None of you were. Especially not you, especially not him.” 

“I know,” Mingyu replied. Even like this, three months no contact, he was the comforter. “He knows that. We all do.” 

“I should go talk to him,” Jungkook says. He makes no moves to leave. Mingyu nods again, but that’s all. Johnny is watching him again. “I’m going to go talk to him,” he says, but he still makes no moves to leave. It’s like he’s frozen again, just like when he was on stage and spotted his old friends across the crowd. He stammers out, “thanks for coming.” 

“Of course,” Mingyu says calmly. “You were great, as always. Be sure to let Namjoon know he was fantastic, as usual.” 

“I will,” Jungkook’s voice was tight like he was choking on something. “I really appreciate you coming.” 

“Invite me to the next one please, I don’t like sneaking around you.” 

“It was good to see you Mingyu,” Jungkook finally let out. “It was really good to see you.” 

“Don’t be a stranger this time, Jeon. You know where to find me.” 

Jungkook nods. Mingyu gave him another clap on the shoulder and Jungkook had to take a breath to compose himself, to stop from crying. He nods again and finally steps back. Johnny waved and he waved back, before finally, finally walking away. For a moment, Johnny looks like he wants to say something, mouth wide as he watches Jungkook walk away, but he doesn’t. He thinks he hears the boy Johnny was talking to ask who he was, but he doesn’t stay long enough to hear either of their answers. He doesn’t want to know what they say. 

The air is cold when he breaks out of the club and onto the streets. It hits him as he emerges from the hot clutches of the room inside and he takes a second to compose himself at the door before he walks over. This is all too similar to how things used to be, but it’s too late for him to back away now. He’s hurt him enough. Talking to Mingyu and not him would be evil. Seeing _John Suh_ and not him would be too much to bear. The person he’s looking for is just to the right of the entrance. Far enough over where he’s out of the way, but still close enough that the bouncer would let him slip back in. He’s smoking, and just as Jungkook expected, he looks the same. He takes another deep breath. There’s no point in walking away now, it would just hurt both of them. 

“I thought you quit,” Jungkook says, stepping into the space beside the other. 

“Jungkook,” he says. He shivers at the way his name sounds in his mouth. He breathes it more than says it like he didn’t mean to let it slip. 

“Hey Jaehyun,” he replies. The tightness is back. “Didn’t expect to see you here.” 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun whispers again, like he’s shocked to see him, like he didn’t come out here just to see him. The cigarette is still hanging in his hand, suspended halfway between the ground and his mouth. His hair is parted out of his eyes, dyed back to his natural brown. His eyes look sullen, darker than they ever were when he knew him, but he still looks beautiful. Jungkook cracks under the weight of his wide eyes staring at him in disbelief. He looks away. 

“You wanted to talk to me, right?” he asks, surprising himself with his forwardness. He wasn’t even this direct when they were kids, chasing each other through playgrounds and backyards, let alone now, after he’d run away and sealed himself from anything to do with the other. He is afraid of his answer so he keeps talking. “Did you want to go to the diner? I feel like, like we have a lot to say to each other.” 

For someone who came to this show on the other side of the city and paid a cover just to talk to him, Jaehyun is surprisingly caught off guard by actually seeing Jungkook. Although Jungkook supposes, he hadn’t shown up here expecting a whole set of songs that were obviously about him in a terribly painful way. Jaehyun nodded at his question and dropped his cigarette to stomp out. Jungkook noticed another two by his feet already. He ignores the stinging in his eyes and the tightness in his chest. He takes out his car keys instead. 

It’s strange seeing Jaehyun in his passenger’s seat after so long without seeing him at all. He looks similar, but not quite the same. More withdrawn. They both are. The radio stays off as Jungkooks pulls out of the parking lot and maneuvers his way towards the diner they used to regular. They don’t look at each other, they don’t speak to each other. It doesn’t feel as familiar as it should. Jungkook knows he’s diving right into the deep end with this one. He lets out shaky breaths. He isn’t ready for this. It is a longer drive than it used to be, due to them being on a different side of the city than they ever used to hang out on, but that was by Jungkook’s design. He’d intentionally kept himself as far enough away from everything he used to know and do. Jaehyun showing up was the last thing he had expected to happen. He still has the route memorized though. A right and two lefts, straight for as long as he can, another right, another left, straight till they get there. It’s a tiny diner, the type of place everyone is surprised still exists. It’s pinched between high rises, as strange as it is. It used to be paradise, now he wasn’t sure what to call it. He parked out front and killed the ignition. He heard the shake in Jaehyun’s breathing as he unbuckled his seat belt. Jungkook tightened his own hands on the steering wheel to stop the shaking. The silence was heavy. He wondered for a moment if he was making a mistake. He was pulled out of it by Jaehyun opening the car door. It was time. 

Their usual booth was taken and Jungkook was grateful for the break in their routine. He used to whine and complain about not getting their usual table, just to make Jaehyun laugh. He thinks it would be too much now, to sit in their favorite spot and talk about how they’d messed up. He takes comfort in being so far away from it. He needs something to separate this, to draw the line between then and now, between Jaehyun and him. Their usual waitress isn’t there either, and it is another thing Jungkook is grateful for. He doesn’t know if he could handle her seeing him cry like this. The girl who does wait on them seems to feel the tension too and stays away after she gives them their coffee. Jaehyun tells her they probably won’t order anything else, and that keeps her away. Suddenly, they are faced with the reality of their conversation. They aren’t ready, but they’re out of options. Jungkook bites the bullet and starts. 

“I never meant to hurt you but I did and I’m sorry. I wrote half a dozen songs about how you hurt me but I never thought you would hear them,” he says as calmly as he can. He doesn’t look up from his coffee mug, but he can still see the words swimming around Jaehyun’s head. Instead, he focuses on the way Jaehyun holds his coffee cup in both hands. His sleeves are bunched up, pushed just beyond his wrists. His hands were always delicate, but they look especially breakable ghosting over the ugly mug. 

“Is that why you stopped coming around?” It isn’t the question he was expecting but it’s such a typical question for Jaehyun to be asking. Of course, this is what he wants to know first and foremost. Jungkook takes a moment before responding. 

“I didn’t want to see you,” he says, finally. “Yeah.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t seem surprised. This much had been obvious, from the weeks and weeks of silence between them. He nods before he keeps talking, “but what about everyone else? What about Mingyu?” 

“He was always more of your friend than mine. And I talked to him. It’s fine. I was hurt, Jaehyun. I didn’t want anything to remind me of why I was in pain.” This, however, seems to surprise Jaehyun. He looks taken aback, shocked even. Almost like he had never considered the possibility that Jungkook was willing to leave behind everything he’d known to get away from him. The silence falls over them again. 

It’s a few minutes before Jaehyun speaks up again. He attempts to speak casually but his voice reveals him. The words don’t come out right, no matter how confident he tries to make them. “You’re really good as the frontman. I always liked your singing voice. And you still use the same bass. It was a good show.” He coughs. “Great, even.” 

“I’m glad you liked something about the show,” he swallows. He still won’t look at Jaehyun’s face. It makes him nervous to have the conversation focused on him. His words are heavier than he intended, angrier. 

“Have, uh, have you–,” Jaehyun stumbles over his words. 

“Yeah,” Jungkook interrupts. He doesn’t want to hear the rest of the question. “Just one. When, uh, Yoongi was playing a show. I liked the new song.” 

“Thanks,” Jaehyun says quietly. The song was one that Jaehyun had never shown him before. Jungkook didn’t want to know when he wrote it, but the piano music Jaehyun had played rings in his ears, even now. Silence falls between them again. Jungkook isn’t sure where to go from here. He hesitates before he says what he’s thinking. 

“I’m sorry your band is going to ask about this now. They might ask. I think they were the ones who were there. Someone asked Johnny, I don’t know what he said. Or Mingyu. So I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with that too, on top of, well,” Jungkook rambles. His brain to mouth filter must be broken because he can’t stop himself. He’s already neck deep in shit though, what’s a little more? He can’t stop himself. “I don’t know what you told them.” 

“I never told him anything,” Jaehyun says softly. His voice was timid, which was new. The Jaehyun that Jungkook left wasn’t timid around him, there were years of history that prevented that. It was a sharp reminder that they were strangers now. 

“Oh?” Jungkook felt his eyes dart up to watch Jaehyun’s face. He focuses on the other’s face, watches as he keeps his eyes trained on his coffee, burning holes into the table. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun continues, slowly. “I just… I wasn’t sure what happened and then I didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position…” He trailed off, like he didn’t want to think about how else this could have turned out. 

“He would never pick anyone over you,” he says with confidence, and then, remembering the implication, “did you really think I would take your best friend?” 

“I just felt like shit, I don’t know. I think it felt pretty obvious that I had fucked up. I think that tonight made it pretty obvious I fucked up,” he confesses. Jaehyun lifts his eyes from his coffee mug. The coffee was going cold but their eyes met and it began. The gates flew open. This was what they were there for. 

“Jaehyun, I’m sorry,” Jungkook says earnestly. He tries to keep his eyes on Jaehyun’s face, searching for… something. He isn’t sure he wants to find it. Jaehyun looks away before he can find it. He inhales. 

“Why? What do you have to apologize for?” his brow scrunches up the way it does when he’s confused, or angry. He can’t read him anymore, or maybe he just doesn’t want to. When they were younger, Jungkook relished in the idea that no one knew Jaehyun better than he did. Now, it haunts him.

“Well, obviously I fucked up too. We hurt each other and I’m sorry.” Jaehyun inhales sharply, like he’s afraid of what he’ll say if he isn’t careful. Frankly, he isn’t careful enough.

“God this sucks. We really fucked this one up. I’m so sorry Koo. I miss you.” 

His words are suspended in between them. If he reached out, Jungkook is certain he could grab them and hold them. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want them. 

“Jae…” he starts. He doesn’t want to do this. He started this but he doesn’t want it anymore. He’s terrified of what comes next. 

“No, please, let me say this. I went all the way out there to say this,” Jaehyun rushes out. His voice is still shaky and Jungkook is still scared, but he nods. He lets Jaehyun have this. He isn’t nearly as confident as he started but he keeps going. “I miss you and I miss going to your shows and I miss coming to this shitty diner and I miss knowing the songs were about me and feeling good about it and I miss playing songs for you and I miss writing songs about you and, and I just miss you. I hurt you and I’m so sorry and an apology doesn’t fix it but I don’t know what else to say. I had a whole fucking speech written out but it all went out the window when I heard your songs. This apology is shit. Fuck Jungkook, I’m sorry.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t look up as he says all of this and Jungkook can’t help but wonder if this is really all he prepared or if something changed it. He still isn’t ready to hold those words any closer. 

“We really fucked this up,” he croaks. He doesn’t know what else to say. 

Jaehyun’s tone betrays him. He replies bitterly, “really? That’s it?” 

He wonders if he’s really angry or if it’s something else. Jungkook was always afraid of confrontation like this. He can’t decide if he wants to see the mask Jaehyun is wearing. He gives in to the forbidden fruit hanging in front of him; he always joked Jaehyun was the devil. 

“Fuck, of course I miss you. I’ve been in love with you since we were sixteen.” He lets out what he had been holding back since he saw Mingyu’s shadow in that seat at the bar. He exhales. 

“Yeah. Me too.” Jaehyun’s voice is raw. Jungkook knows if he looks up he’ll see Jaehyun crying. He looks up. 

“Fuck,” he chokes out. He can feel the tears building and he blinks. They spill over anyways. He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. It’s too late but he tries anyway. He’s laughing and he doesn’t know why. “This isn’t how I expected my night to go.” 

“You didn’t think you’d be crying in a diner booth with your ex–,” Jaehyun laughs through his tears, but catches himself, like he isn’t sure what to say. His mood dampens again. “Your ex… friend.”

Jungkook doesn’t have the energy to unpack it all, so he focuses on the part he can handle. He hiccups through his tears. “No, I definitely didn’t have that on my agenda.” 

“What were you planning then? Fun night?” Jaehyun scoffs, trying to hold onto his bravado. 

“Oh I don’t know, crying myself to sleep? The usual for after performing a bunch of heartbreaking songs.” He tries to be nonchalant, but his resentment betrays him. 

“Wow. Ouch.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing.” 

The silence falls over them again. Jungkook tries to compose himself. He’s pretty sure he’s failing. Time slows around him. He doesn’t know how long they sit there with tears tracking down their faces. The waitress comes around with more coffee. She doesn’t say anything, but she puts extra napkins on the table between them. 

When he finally feels like he’s caught his breath, finally caught up to the tears, Jungkook tries to talk again. It’s wet and rough but it’s something. 

“We should talk about this for real. Like, we need to talk about the fight.” It doesn’t come out the way he wants it to. He sounds unsure, and he imagines he looks worse, but he’s too worn out to care. Jaehyun understands. He still chokes out a sob, wet and heavy between them. 

“Do we have to right now? I’ve done more emotional labor tonight than I have in the last six weeks.” Jaehyun looks like shit, Jungkook tells himself, but his eyes still glisten and he still looks pretty, even when he cries. 

“Well, I mean, that was a part of our problem.” Jungkook can taste the bitterness in his words. He doesn’t like it. He wonders if Jaehyun can taste it too. He must, because he tilts his head up, like he’s trying to stop from crying again. 

“I know, you’re right. But what if I promise we can talk about it and tonight we just act like everything’s okay,” Jaehyun pleads. Jungkook knows he is in control right now, he just isn’t sure why. This is uncharted territory for him. He had always been the more rational one, but Jaehyun had always led. He feels like he’s treading in open water. He’s starting to think Jaehyun feels the same. Takes a breath, wonders if it’s his fault, moves on. 

“Jae…,” he starts, but the other interrupts before he can get anywhere. 

“Okay, fuck. I know. I went to your show to talk to you because everyone told me you wrote all these songs about me and now I’m trying to get out of it.” It catches Jungkook off guard. Jaehyun had been so dazed at the sight of him earlier, so hurt by the songs that he hadn’t expected him to have sought either of them out. 

“What?” 

“What? You think I didn’t pay attention to when your shows were? You may have been avoiding me but I still cared about you. Do care about you.” Jaehyun’s tone seems resigned, like he’s given up all attempts to curb his true intentions. 

He knew he had come to see him, he’d confronted him on that, but it still shocks him to hear Jaehyun admit it. Jaehyun had always held onto his ego. He falters, “so you came tonight to see me? On purpose?” 

“Yeah. I love you.” Jaehyun shrugs, like he was stating the weather. It stops Jungkook cold. 

“Jaehyun, what the fuck.” 

“It’s true. I miss you and I love you and I regret the last three months without you.” Jungkook’s mouth feels dry like cotton. It reminds him of late nights at Jaehyun’s house back in high school, getting high and making out. For the first time in what feels like a lifetime he lets himself think about it. What it meant to him, what it meant to Jaehyun. Jaehyun doesn’t stop talking. “I feel like I’m drowning every time I look around and you’re not there and I know that I can’t fix the ways I hurt you, the ways I really, really hurt you, but I just want you to be a part of my life again. In whatever way you’ll have me.” 

He doesn’t know what to do. He’s backed into a corner and there’s no way out. Jaehyun is the walls on every side of him. It reminds him of back in high school, when he was drowning in his love for Jaehyun and the other couldn’t swim. He takes too long to respond. Jaehyun is staring at him. He lets out a shaky breath. He doesn’t remember when he started holding it. 

“Do you remember, back in high school, when we used to smoke in your room and hope your parents wouldn’t catch us?” He waits for Jaehyun to nod before he continues. “I think, that that was the beginning of the end for me.” He takes another shaky pause. He can see the confusion on Jaehyun’s face. “We’d make out in your bed and before we got any farther than some weird over the clothes touching, you’d pull back. And I was fine with it, I was always fine with it. That wasn’t what caused the problem. It was that,” he takes a deep breath. Now that he’s started he isn’t sure he can stop. “It was that I would think about those nights and it would mean something to me, and I always hoped it meant something to you, but I could never tell. And then all our shit happened and you said it hadn’t mattered and I realized that no matter what I’d never get you.” 

“Jungkook,” Jaehyun said breathlessly. He seemed caught off guard again. “I’ve loved you the whole time. I’m not going to stop loving you. Just because I didn’t realize it at 17 doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.” 

“That’s not the problem, Jaehyun. This is what I mean. It doesn’t matter if you love me because we aren’t going to be on the same page.” He can feel his frustration bubbling. His resentment, his anger, they’re smaller, not gone. A part of him still wants to hurt Jaehyun the way he had been hurt; sharp and unyielding. 

“Then help me get to the same page. I never called you my boyfriend but you never called me yours either! It was a two way street!” The anger in both of them is bubbling over but Jungkook refuses to make a scene, refuses to make the waitress any more uncomfortable than she already is. 

“Jaehyun,” Jungkook says evenly. He knows he’s doing a bad job at hiding the hurt, but he’d poured it all out on the stage at the beginning of the night so he wasn’t sure there was much left to disguise. “Jaehyun, you can’t say you love me and expect that to fix all our problems. I know you love me, you said you love me. Doesn’t change the fact that you were too scared to commit and I was too scared to ask you to. And I was right, wasn’t I? Look at us? Crying in a fucking shitty diner booth.” 

Tiny tears were rolling down already paved tracks. He felt himself sniffle, and heard Jaehyun do the same. He wondered if they looked as pathetic as he felt. He wished they could fix this, but they can’t. There is nothing left to fix. This was no longer a reunion, it was closure. 

“So we’re at an impasse,” Jaehyun sighs. It almost falls into a hiccup but he catches it. He steals himself. He knows the answer, but he still asks the question, “what now?” 

Jungkook rubs his eyes. They’re sore and his face is puffy and he is just going to have to pray that the swelling goes down before tomorrow. He sighs. 

“Go call Johnny to pick you up. I’ll pay the bill.” 

Jaehyun nods and pulls out his phone from his jacket pocket. He sniffles and Jungkook slides out of the booth. He averts his eyes as the older couple near the front of the restaurant look at him. He isn’t hiding anything, but he is trying. He has to practically beg the waitress to let him pay the bill. He pays the couple’s bill while he’s at it. He leaves her a hefty tip with the cash left in his wallet. He loiters for as long as he can, gives Jaehyun the space to call his friend and lick his wounds. His own are wide open, but he’s long used to the blood that comes with it. When he gets back to the table, Jaehyun is holding his coffee cup again. His phone is face up beside him. He isn’t crying anymore, but he still looks so sad. Jungkook sits back down across from him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says carefully. “I know it’s not enough, but I am.” 

“I know.” 

“Johnny’s picking me up,” he continues, fiddling with the mug. 

“Okay.” 

“Does this end here?” Jungkook can’t help but think he sounds hopeful. He wants him to sound hopeful. He gives himself that. 

“No, probably not.” Jaehyun looks up. It wasn’t the answer he expected. It surprises both of them. Jungkook hopes it’s the answer he wants. There is no fixing a broken home, but Jungkook wonders if they could move into a new one.

“If I text you,” he asks slowly, like he’s afraid to hear the answer. “Will you respond?” 

“Probably.” 

“What if you text me first?” 

“I could maybe do that.” 

“Johnny’s here.” 

“You have my number.” 

“You have mine.”

“I love you.” 

“I know.” 

Jungkook sits at the table staring straight ahead as Jaehyun gets up and leaves the diner. He stares straight ahead as he waits for him to climb into Johnny’s shitty Camry. He sits and stares until he sees the headlights pull out of the parking lot. He sits until he sees the tail lights fade. When he’s sure they’re gone he goes out to his car and he gets into the driver’s seat. He pictures Jaehyun in his passenger’s seat. 

He pulls out his cellphone. 

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/realitysuh)


End file.
